Home on the Range

After a FORTY THREE hour flight from Arusha, Tanzania I (practically comatose and aged three years) finally landed in Montana. No one screamed at my zombie appearance. Rather, millions of smiling faces crowded the small airport corridor. Half the town of Billings had come to greet me. Not to mention the out-of-state Iserns. Everyone had flown home for my cousin Maggie’s wedding….including my crazy uncle Kurt internationally known aunt Jennifer.
The Setting:

Setting 1: Wedding Site, Billings Montana. Billings was more beautiful than I had ever seen. Usually dry, the land had gotten an unusual amount of rainfall (hurrah global warming) and turned the ground into a vibrant green carpet. The rock rims enclosed the city like a fortress. It was a pleasure to drive all over the beautiful town (stopping for fresh baked bread as always) to help my family with decorations and other last minute items for the wedding. Maggie’s ceremony was at the Zoo complete with flowers and a squawking peacock. I felt like I was back on Safari.

Setting 2: Cabin, Crazy Mountains. The Crazies are in between Big Timber and Livingston. A smaller mountain chain but incredibly beautiful. The cabin is situated among fields of wildflowers and views of snow capped peaks. On our daily hikes we got within feet of moose, fawns, and jackrabbits. I questioned why I had to travel all over the world when the most beautiful place on earth is home.


Cast of characters:

Maggie and Deke Winters (the bride and groom):
Never was there a more beautiful, warm and well organized set of 23 year olds. The wedding was planned to a T—and the minor mishaps that occurred were rescued bravely. When Maggie could not stop crying during the ceremony (for joy, naturally) during the repeating of “for richer or poorer” Deke just informed us that obviously “for poorer” just wouldn’t work out. When the buffet ran out of food before all the heavy eatin’ Montanans (ahem, that’s me) could get their fair share Maggie promptly ordered in pizza. Everyone danced, even my 81 year old granny got a groove on. And the best part was that after the wedding the two could relax in their 5 bedroom house. Yes, in Montana 20 somethings have massive homes with landscaped yards where 30 somethings in San Francisco squeeze into other peoples closets and barely make rent payments. Sigh.

Granny:
Granny is a pistol. Whiskey drinkin’ poker playin’ and internationally traveled (she’s been everywhere I have), Granny is no one to get into trouble with. Little Granny, even with her massive collections of antique jewelry and high society manners, has developed a mouth like a trucker. Upon seeing her son Kurt for the first time in two years she greets him with “Why you orny little shit……come give me a kiss.” Granny is the orny one. And even with severe dementia Granny still manages to whip us in all card games. However her trash talk and victory whoops quickly lose their intimidation when she stops mid play to ask ‘Now what card game are we playing again?” “And who are all you people?”

Uncle Kurt: Uncle Kurt left Montana when he was 18 for Alaska and never came back…well except for a few visits. Uncle Kurt lives in a man made shack, shoots grizzly bears daily (in fact wears a Grizzly vest) and has a huge head of wild red hair. We are not sure what Kurt really does for a living but we do know he doesn’t pay taxes. In fact engraved on his ceiling are the words ‘Red Fox beats the IRS-1999.’ There is a story to that as well as many others on Kurt but my favorite is the story of the pheasant. Kurt was driving through Montana and sees a pheasant crossing the street. Most people would stop to awe at the bird’s beauty. Kurt, on the other hand, screams “Pheasant!” and puts the pedal to the medal. He hits the bird, and loads in into the back seat. Sadly….about an hour or so later…..the bird comes back alive and starts squawking and jumping and losing all its fathers. Everyone on the road stares at the spectacle. Kurt sighs…..and gets the bird out of the back and wrings its neck in front of a terrified group of onlookers. Kurt had dinner on the mind. And sure enough Granny cooked that bird up for a feast that night.




Aunt Jennifer: My amazing aunt is only 10 yeas older than me but has lived twice the life. Jennifer works in development for a subset of the World Bank. In between meetings in DC and a zillion trips to countries like China, Togo and Blahblahastan, Jennifer found time to complete a PhD in three years. (After a measly Masters from Princeton and a wimpy CFA). However, the intellectual high flying lifestyle (literally as she spends most time in planes), has not made Jennifer lose her Montana roots. She drove us around in a Mustang convertible and insisted on a few games of lively pool over cheap beer at the diviest bar in town. How many academics hustle pool tables I wonder?

Aunt Candy and Uncle Dan: Recently retired Candy and Dan were my gracious hosts for the week. They own a house on the outskirts of Billings as well as a hand built cabin in the Crazies that we so love.

Candy is a woman of ritual. Every day she gets a square of dark chocolate out with her coffee, goes on a 5 mile hike, and performs yoga at home with a single lit candle. Candy, upon hearing my ashram tales, is about ready to book her own ticket to India. (I glossed over the self purging portion).


Dan, on the other hand, is less ritualistic and has random hobbies like scaring away bears from the cabin property by yelling and jumping around in his tightie whities and repairing his 1947 jeep (they had a 60th birthday party for the jeep last year complete with ice cream and cake).

Candy and Dan also own Beaux, the farting dog. This dog’s gas is legendary as most people leave the room as soon as he so much as sticks his nose in. Beaux was not invited to the wedding.

Eric and Nancy (my parents): Although I still visualize them reading bedtime stories to me in Paddington Bear voices, my parents remain an enigma to most. My lovely mother is a dignified chemist, my father a crafty engineer……but both live in eastern Washington, own Harleys and compete in ball room dancing. Their dancing is actually starting to take over their lives and the whole family is about to have an intervention. During Maggie and Deke’s reception they each carried in little suede bags. At first we thought these were extra presents for the bride and groom. But oh no,…inside the suede bags were special suede soled dancing shoes they changed into for the dance floor. (”Ack—we cannot dance in normal shoes!!! They do not slide properly!”). At the first beat of Ricky Martin, father whisked my mother off and they were absent from conversation for the entire evening. I tried to cut in, but since I didn’t know what the “One step quick turn slow step” was, I gave up. Sigh.

Lauren Anderson and Nate Kendall: Lauren, my cousin and her boyfriend Nate are the upcoming artists of the family. Lauren is most recently known for her photography shown at Yerba Buena in San Francisco. Nate is most recently known for his new album, Songbird Sing, that I shamelessly plug on any occasion I get. The two live in San Francisco and come to any creative emergency I may have (one was decorating Christmas cookies). It only made sense that the two were assigned as chief artistic directors of the wedding decorations. I tried to claim the “tousled tulle” look as my own…but we all know the streamers filled with fresh flowers were a byproduct of Lauren and Nate.





After the Setting and Cast of Characters it would make sense for me to start a story. But you will have to wait…I am working on a book of ‘em! Afterall the adventures my family get into are much more exciting and hilarious than anything I encountered overseas…..