The Masks We Wear

While In India I remember experiencing a unique state of being. This state of being didn't know the anxiety of overbooked schedules or the pressure of "making it" or any confusion about where I fit in. Things just were. And I just was. In the Ashram people were sappy and shiny and we joked around about our own elevated cheesiness. We all hoped to take our peaceful bliss back home to our respective countries and cities with us. Why were we so happy? I think because for once we were truly ourselves...all facets of ourselves at once.

Here in San Francisco the synergy of my combined facets has dissipated. Once again a different facet presents itself on different days to different people and different situations. I have revisited my closet of masks and carefully select a new mask for each day. For some reason I am too afraid to be all of myself at any one point in time.

To some I am the athlete, the over compulsive 'will try anything especially if it bruises me' athlete.

To others I represent the socialite that thinks in terms of hors d'oeuvres and guest lists; both must be equally attractive.

And what about the type A career driven women that even brings her blackberry to the toilet? Is this me? Or merely a San Francisco 'must have' mask---necessary as wine tasting to live in this city?

And then there is the romantic poetry writing side that I am not sure I have let anyone get close to since I have been back. Well, besides a few rhyming poems on Evite invitations anyway.....

Juggling different personalities is exhausting. After all going from introverted poet to high heel wearing party girl in the same evening is no easy task!

I wonder if a time will come when I can take all the masks off and just be myself, all parts of myself, at once and not be considered schizophrenic....

Hopefully the wine enthusiast personality will take a major role...